Today, I was going to write a story to break my silence. But when I searched, it was ineffable, I could not find the words to describe it… But, in the midst of my frustration, whilst mulling back over everything that had happened, I was reminded (as I often am) of how incredibly lucky I am. Reminded of the friends I made before, during and after the abuse. Some, to this day have no idea of what happened, others were and still are my confidantes and others who knew without me ever having to say a word….All of whom gave me the strength to carry on and eventually break free.
It is not very often I can express myself to any of this, the good or the bad and I am aware of how clumsy my words are writing this diary entry…But they are words. One day thy will hopefully be the right words and I will tell the full story.
I hope my friends never understand fully how grateful I am, for it has taken a great darkness to appreciate the people and things in my life as much as I do now.
"Everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end…"
Not a day goes by when I don’t wish you had stayed a little longer, been a little stronger…
I still look for you in the stars each night, you promised you would be the brightest one.
Sometimes when I feel so alone and the familiar hollowness explodes in my chest, I imagine you beside me with a smile on your face and a bomb-scarred hand on my shoulder, and everything is a little more bearable.
Christmas Eve is in a week and a half…don’t worry, I’ll have extra bread sauce and a cigarette for you.
I hope one day I can truthfully say that I’m as interesting, caring, honest and lovely as you.